[Tortured Artist Without An Art Form]
Who I am when no one is watchingWorkaholic
2007-06-30
I've never been what one could call a "workaholic". I've never really loved my job with the passion that it requires for it to become all-consuming. But I can understand why people would throw themselves into their work. If I had a job that I could do that with right now, I'd be tempted to not ever go home. Sometimes, it just isn't worth it to come home to emptiness and silence. I almost long for someone to ask me to stay a little longer or to work overtime just so I don't have to go back to an empty apartment.
Expectations
2007-06-29
I would love to think of myself as a cynic. I wish I could just say that I have low expectations for how things will turn out and then when they turn out better than I hoped, I will be happy. But unfortunately, I still have that nagging optimist inside who expects way too much of certain situations.
I felt like a 4 year old on Tuesday night as I pouted all the way home about what I had been looking forward to for weeks. I couldn't just accept the fact that I had an awesome time with someone that I really get along with. I kept dwelling on the what didn't happen and why it didn't. There was so much buildup, that the letdown was far worse than anything I could have expected.
I wish I knew how to unfeel things.
My Own Worst Enemy
2007-06-24
While on the air this morning, I was talking to one of my listeners. And she said the oddest thing to me. "I've never met you, but whenever you come up in conversation, people always say 'I wish Jez knew how great she was' And not just one person, but almost everyone says that when you come up."
I guess I'm my own worst enemy. I'm still blushing from the compliment.
I just have to say that Sunday is still my favorite day of the week. Getting to play jazz for two hours and having people love it. :) (Currently playing: Ella Fitzgerald - Night and Day)
Who can it be now?
2007-06-23
So, remember last month when I said I'd be posting more now that I'm unemployed? Yeah, it also helps to have internet in order to do so. It's been a very odd month of transitioning for me lately, and I guess I haven't really known how to compartmentalize (Mitch is that the right word?) and deal with all the changes I've tried to make.
First of all, I quit smoking. I am sure one day it'll make me a happier, healthier person. But ask Mitch about that one. I have not been a happy camper. But it'll be 3 weeks tomorrow. I think I can do it!
Secondly, I'm moving up to Tuscaloosa. It's actually turning out rather well. I'm meeting more people than I have since I moved to Alabama 3 years ago! Interesting, intelligent people that challenge me and make me think.
I'm also trying to join Mitch in his "giving up the bitterness" thing. It's hard to do sometimes. I've carried around my bitterness with me for so long, that it feels like I'm losing a friend. I know that things are looking better and better with each day. Optimism is a VERY weird feeling.
I have a job that I like. I go to work, and I come home and leave my work there at the office! It's so weird. And I get to tutor someone I work with in math, which just made me happier than I can really express. I helped her on thursday during my break, and I came back to my desk just singing away. I was in the best mood ever! Someone else asked me why, and I said "I got to do math today!" I got the "look". The one that is usually reserved for when I tell people I teach math... Oh well. It's my passion, I can't help it.
This week has taught me quite a few things. I know it will sound cheesy, but I really have to embrace the fact that life is short. My friend Alex from college, only 27, went in on Monday to have brain surgery. He had a huge tumor on the left side of his brain, and he's finally out of ICU and recovering, but it's a long road ahead. It was amazing that my simple email was so appreciated. I told him to get better soon, and as soon as he did I'd go out to Arizona and see him. I got a short reply that simply said, "Jen, I knew I could count on you." I also learned an important thing. Tell the people you care about that you care about them, while they're still around to hear it. Simple enough, but I guess I never really thought about it until now.
Yes, this has been rambly, but I have uninterrupted computer time...and it's been a while. :)
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